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Excerpt from "Swoon" Chapter (Click Here for Printer Version) I play a lot of sports. There are a few privately-owned sport leagues for adults in Chicago. They find different venues to host seven-week seasons followed by two weeks of playoffs for all kinds of sports, including basketball, floor hockey, softball, tennis, even kickball. Chicago Sport and Social Club is one such league. The organization is geared more toward the social aspects of sports, and focuses much of its time on organizing events such as ski trips and European group vacations. Players is another league. They tend to have the highest level of competition but don’t offer refs for all their sports, which can result in heated arguments during games. Another good league is Sports Monster, which runs leagues in various cities throughout the U.S. Sports Monster provides refs for all their sports and thus tends to attract better athletes, allowing for better competition. I’ve met a lot of women with similar interests in their leagues, some of which I’ve dated. Volleyball is one of the most popular sports, especially for women. It is non-contact, the ball doesn’t hurt, and it offers many different skill levels. In the summertime Chicago’s beaches are overrun with volleyball leagues on weeknights. Although I prefer to play competitive volleyball, for years I formed one social team every summer. I had both male and female friends who wanted to meet someone and get out socially. So I put a team of players together who I thought would hit it off, either with each other or with players on other teams. A lot of the women I recruited were very pretty but of no interest to me. I knew other guys would like them. I never set anyone up—I’m not a chick for crying out loud. I just put people on the same team and if something happened, so be it. A few years ago I stopped putting the social team together because the women were always a hassle. They weren’t serious about volleyball and it showed. They tended to be either stupid or inconsiderate, I’m not sure which, perhaps a combination of the two. They meant well and were nice people, but they just weren’t used to having to think about others, so having them on the team just wasn’t working. The problem was, these women were so pretty they were used to getting their every whim. Guys put up with their behavior because they hoped to sleep with them. Women put up with it because these girls always attracted guys to the group. The last season I formed a social team was the one that broke the camel’s back. One of the girls called me a few hours before a game one cloudy night, “Hi Ian. I’m not going to make it to volleyball tonight.” “Oh, okay. Thanks for calling. Is everything okay, I hope? Are you sick or something?” “Oh, I’m fine. It’s just that it’s dreary outside and I don’t like to go out when it’s dreary. It makes me feel dreary and I don’t like feeling dreary.” Was she fuckin’ kidding me? The team’s counting on her to show and she thought this was a legitimate reason to miss? “Okay . . . well, thanks for letting me know. I’ll get a sub.” “Oh, don’t get a sub. It might clear up and get sunny; then I’ll come.” How stupid of me. “Look, if you want to miss that’s fine, but I have to fill the slot or we’ll be short. I can’t wait to see if you might show.” There was no response. She was probably in shock. She did things like this all the time and no one ever questioned her. Who did I think I was? How dare I expect some common courtesy! “Okay, well, don’t get a sub then. I’ll be there.” Bullshit. She just said that in case it cleared up. I got a sub, counting on the fact that Flaky Girl wouldn’t show. (She didn’t.) One of the other women missed the following week’s match. When a player missed without letting me know, I automatically feared something tragic had happened. I left her a message to call me and let me know if she was okay. She did not return my call. The next week she showed up for the game. “How’d we do last week, Ian?” “Actually, we didn’t have enough people to play and had to forfeit. We just hit around with the other team.” “Oh, bummer.” “Were you sick or something? You didn’t return my call.” “No, I wasn’t sick. I was on my way here when I walked by another team and they asked me if I could play. So I played with them.” I didn’t know what to say. I should have buried her in the sand and left her there. One of the other guys on my team overheard and interjected, “Oh, that’s okay; that was nice of you to sub for them.” I came down on both of them, “No . . . no it wasn’t. You’re on a team who’s counting on you to show up and play. If you can’t make it, that’s fine, but let me know ahead of time.” The other guy defended her. Typical. These women walk over a lot of men because of some very nicely packaged T&A. Men swoon in their presence. See why I had no interest in them? Imagine what a nightmare it would be to date one of them. I didn’t swoon over such women. I met tons of them after comedy shows and quickly learned that most of them had little to offer. In the end, putting up with their crap just wasn’t worth the payoff. Such women can wreak havoc on a guy and set off a domino effect that can screw a lot of people. I know. My older sister, Mary, is one of these women and I’ve experienced firsthand what can happen when she digs her claws into an unsuspecting guy. Mary is one of the sweetest people on the planet. She has a very good heart and is always willing to believe the best about people. Unfortunately, she isn’t honest with herself about who she is and has low self-esteem, making her horrible dating material. At the same time, according to other guys (I’m her brother so I don’t see it), she is very pretty. I’ve seen this deadly combination damage lives repeatedly. I could recount countless stories such as the following.
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